Yes, once again blogging every day has become an impossibility.  But believe me that I do think of something every day that I’m thankful for.  So, I may not write it down right away, but this blog project has brought thinking about things I’m thankful for to the forefront of my mind.

So what’s on today’s thankful agenda?  It’s something simple.  It’s my dog, Kayla.  Those of you who know me know that we lost Kayla in June to an illness coupled with old age – she was almost 14.  Kayla was a great dog.  She was capable of having any number of people pet on her and not get annoyed.  She didn’t really get along with other dogs, but she and Walter were great friends.  Kayla was cat-like in her behavior some of the time, and definitely colorful all of the time.

She was with me a long time, and we went through a lot together.  She was at times a reflection of how organized or out-of-control my life was.   And she put up with me and was always glad to see me.  You cannot compare the feeling of the unconditional love of a dog to anything else on the planet.  Kayla saw me at some of my worst times, and she loved me as if I was perfect.

I loved that dog, and I’m thankful that she helped to prepare me somewhat for parenthood.  Having someone who cannot take care of themselves dependent on you is a good proving ground for taking care of a little human being.

I miss her every day and hope she’s in a better place.  Love you, Boo Boo Girl.

Coffee.  Yes, those who know me will be shocked it’s taken 4 days for me to get around to the Nectar of the Gods, but it did.  And today I am so grateful for coffee.  It keeps things friendly in my house in the morning, it keeps me sane as the day goes on, and it gives one a really good reason to chat with a friend.  While we were on vacation last week, we took our Keurig coffeemaker – you know, one of those one cup at a time deals.  My husband told me today that any trip we take in the future will have to include a drip coffeemaker also.  Apparently he is partial to that and he missed it while we were gone.  So if that’s all it takes to keep him happy on a vacation, I’ll make sure that he gets it.  But I do love being able to make one cup in the afternoon if I feel like it.  Or that my mom can have coffee whenever she wants when she’s here because she drinks…dare I say it…DECAF.  Oh, the horror!  :)

I figure that no drugs or alcohol or cigarettes in my life entitles me to at least one little vice.  And today’s vice is caffeine…preferably in the form of ground roasted arabica beans.  We’ll get to all those other little vices (Facebook, Vera Bradley, bad 80′s music) another time.  But today, be a little nicer to your barista and savor the latte goodness (hopefully gingerbread flavored) that they are dishing out.  Yummmmm, good to the last drop.

Cuddle time.  Anyone who’s had a small child knows exactly what I mean.  Jack woke up after about 2 hours of a nap and he was very upset.  I have no idea why, he just was.  So I got him from his crib (another thing I’m thankful for) and we sat in the rocker in his room for about another hour.  He was sleepy, so he kind of drifted in and out while I held him.  Jack is not a very cuddly baby, he never has been.  So those 45 or so minutes of sitting with him all snuggled up to me were priceless.  There is no better feeling than sitting quietly with your child and enjoying them for the wonderful person that they are.  Now I just need to figure out how to hang on to that wonderful feeling when he is driving me nuts…

Let me just say, blogging every day is not as easy as it sounds. So you will notice that days 2, 3 and 4 are all written on the same day. But I did think about the blog topics on those days, I just couldn’t get the time to write them.

Which brings us to what I’m thankful for today – TIME. Time to blog, time to spend with family, time to be alive. But that reminds me to be grateful for every day that I have, it may be my last. And a good friend once told me that gratitude is an action, not a feeling. So today I’m going to spend my time doing things to show my gratitude.

What are you thankful for today?

So, I had this crazy idea yesterday on Thanksgiving. I thought that I would spend a year of writing a blog post a day about something that I’m thankful for. Some of them may silly or shallow, but I’m hoping that I can spend the next year being thankful for something everyday. I will try to not repeat anything, and I will try to be specific. So, here goes…

Today I am thankful for my family, far and wide. Both the family I was born into and the family that I’ve created. The family that I was born into isn’t very big, my dad was an only child and my mom was one of two so it’s not like I have tons of cousins or anything. But for being on the smaller side we are a pretty great group. And even though we don’t live close to each other, I do feel like we’d be there for each other no matter what. And that is such an awesome feeling. To not have to talk all the time and yet still feel like we just talked when we next connect. We are getting smaller, which is a little sad, but I can also look at my niece and my boys and know that our family will grow again one day. And my Aunt Marilyn’s kids are both having babies so the family is growing right now!  And that doesn’t even speak to my nuclear family – me, Mom and Kim.  We were pretty much on our own a lot, and then really on our own.  It wasn’t perfect, and it wasn’t always pretty, but I wouldn’t change it for the world.  A girl couldn’t ask for a better Mom and sis.

Then there’s the family I married into – Dean and his family and our boys.  I got a great guy, great ILs and aunts and cousins and stuff.  And my boys – there is no great joy in my life than those two.  God truly blessed me by letting me become their mom.

And I’ve been lucky enough to create a few different families. I have my college fraternity brother family, my mommy friends family, my Bill W. family, my friends from all different corners family. I feel like I’m so lucky to have such a diverse group of people in my life.

All of my family, blood and otherwise, help to remind me that I’m a good person worthy of being loved. And for that I am eternally thankful.

I know they say that sorry is the hardest word (they, or whoever did that bad song in the ’70s), but I’m beginning to believe that C-H-A-N-G-E might be the hardest word in the entire English language.  At least it is for me.  After the wonkyness I alluded to in my last post, I have been thinking a lot (A LOT A LOT) about ME and how I’m contributing to the wonkyness.  And really how my behavior is contributing to it.  I’m trying to be loving about it and not beat myself over the head, but I’m also trying to be honest.  Honest self-appraisal?  Yeah, sign me up for that!  It is so hard for me to swallow old behaviors and reactions and try to do things differently.  And it is really scary.  I shrink from change a lot of the time because I’m worried that the people in my orbit won’t like the new, albeit improved, me.  I even worry about my husband.  God forbid he wake up one day and say, “You are not the person I married.”  Or maybe God willing?  Is it possible that change could be a good thing?  I guess if I’m not happy with me, then a changed me can only be a good thing.  Or maybe it’s not even about good or bad.  Maybe it’s just about different.  Different isn’t good or bad, it’s just different.  And goodness knows I want to be different than I have been.

I don’t even know where to start.  One thing after another has been going wonky in my world, and today might just have been the last straw.  I love how I have so many people telling me not to be so down on myself and that I’m fabulous, yet then they turn around and tell me what a crappy person I am.  It can’t be both ways.  I’m not saying that I’m perfect, cause I certainly am not.  And I am painfully aware of my flaws (real and imagined) all the time.  But if I’m so horrible, why do people even want me in their lives?  I just don’t get it.  I will admit that I am the ultimate people pleaser and I have trouble being completely upfront about stuff.  It’s cause I want everyone to like me and no one to be mad at me.  So I don’t like to tell people stuff I think they don’t want to hear.  Or stuff I don’t want to admit yet.  I’m working on it.  I just don’t understand how it is that I continue to have these people in my orbit who I can just never make happy enough.  I am always doing something wrong or not enough or too much and it’s seriously making me insane.  And I get that if it’s happening with more than one person the common denominator is me, but I just don’t know how to fix it.  Is there a book I can read?  Or a workshop?  Or can all you perfect people please tell me what it is that I can do to finally fix the piece of junk that is me?

I realize that this is all overly dramatic and some of it is probably because I’m just so freaking sick about all this right now.  I’m tired of feeling like I’m never enough.  I want to believe I’m enough, but I just can’t ever get there.  And today is just another example of how I’m falling short of the mark, again. Ugh.  That’s all I’ve got.  Ugh.

We have had an incredibly eventful last few weeks. On the day after Christmas, Jack had a seizure while we were out at breakfast with my in-laws. It was quite possibly one of the scariest experiences of my life. I’ve seen seizures before, but only in my dog. We called 911 and the paramedics arrived very quickly. Jack and I were transported by ambulance to the hospital and by about an hour after the incident he was back to completely normal. They did a CAT scan and blood work and all that was normal, so we’re not sure exactly what caused it. We’re following up with an EEG and neurologist, and just praying that everything will turn out okay. We may never know what happened, but we’re just glad that Jack’s back to acting like his old self.   Jack has had his EEG, and it came back completely normal too.  No follow up with the neuro, because we basically won’t know what happened.  So we’ll just keep an eye on him and see if anything ever presents again.  About the same time as the seizure, Jack had a stomach virus too. So there were a number of multi-outfit days.  Good times!  Then, the house got a cold (because it’s never a cold that only one person gets).  About  3 days into it Roy got an ear infection!  That’s our first ear infection in 3 years.  He’s doing fine, but then Jack got the cold and was exhibiting ear infection-like symptoms.  He didn’t get a full blown ear infection, but it has been fun trying to make sure that everyone is sleeping like the should (not that any of us are).  And to round out the two weeks of medical drama (it’s busier than an ER episode here), Jack and I visited the cardiologist.  He definitely has a heart murmur, but it is what they call an “innocent heart murmur”.  So, basically, it’s just a little noisier in there.  His heart and valves and all that are working very well.  Yippee!

In the midst of all this, we had a week and a half vacation from school, and we got nearly 2 feet of snow the weekend before Christmas!  So we were busy digging out and playing in the snow and trying to not get cabin fever.

One other new thing is that I’ve committed to do the Susan G. Komen 3-Day for the Cure here in DC in October.  I’m going to walk 60 miles over 3 days to try to help find a cure for breast cancer.  I don’t have a family connection to the disease (although I have friends who are survivors and who are currently battling diagnoses) and so I think part of my motivation is that I feel really lucky.  I am relatively healthy and I have two very healthy boys.  I’m walking for people who aren’t so lucky.  If you read this, you’ll probably be hearing from me (more than once) asking you to support me.  Please consider giving what you can.  Every little bit helps!

Busy season has begun anew.  Dean worked last Saturday, and barring any snow this weekend he will be working this Saturday too.  I love busy season!

I know I wouldn’t be, since I haven’t written since FEBRUARY!  I guess life just got so far away from me.  Here’s a quick catchup of  what you missed in 2009:

Busy season was tough, and actually seemed to last…well, really it’s still going on.  I appreciate Dean’s job since it allows me to stay home, but there are times when I really don’t like it.

Jack turned 1 in June.  We (Jack & I) were actually in VA Beach for my niece’s high school graduation.  He was under the weather while we were there, and it turned out he had Roseola.  Not a horrible thing, but a little frightening while his fever was so high.

The boys and I went on vacation in August with my mom, and my sister & her family.  We went to the lake in Connecticut where my grandfather and his brother had cottages when I was growing up.  We saw lots of family, and some of them had the chance to see Jack for the first time.  I have to admit though, it wasn’t the same without my Gram.  That’s the first time I’ve been back to CT since her memorial (she passed in June of 2007) and there is definitely something missing there for me.  Connecticut (and my Gram) had always been home for me.  I grew up in the military so it really was the place I thought of as home.  And even though I’ve lived in Virginia for 26 years, Gram’s was the place where a lot of my childhood memories are.  So it was hard to be there without her there.  It’s just not the same anymore, you know?

August also brought my 20 year high school reunion.  I know, hard to believe I’m that old, but I am.  I’ve gotten back in touch with a lot of people that I went to high school with on Facebook, and it was awesome to see so many of them at the reunion.  The reunion was a lot of fun, and in case anyone asks – Yes, I’m going to Grevey’s!  For someone who doesn’t have the fondest memories of high school, it was some of the most fun I’ve had in a long time.  Tina and Robyn were fun to hang with, and I’m so glad my other friend Tina let me share her husband as my date!

September brought more good news – we got a minivan!  I know, doesn’t seem like it would be good news, but I really do love my van.  It has made things so much better with the boys.  There’s more room and it’s really nice to open the doors (and the back) at the touch of a button!  I’m still in the habit of calling it “the car”, but Roy is quick to point out that we don’t have the car anymore, we have “the Van, mom, the Van”!

October brought Roy’s 3rd birthday, and with that our first kid party.  We had a small party for the family one weekend and then had his friends over the next weekend.  Since his birthday is close to Halloween, we had the kids paint pumpkins and everyone had a lot of fun!  We are lucky to have such good friends, not just for our boys but for us too!

November brings our wedding anniversary – 5 years this year, and Thanksgiving, of course.  The boys (all 3 of them) went to VA Beach to see Dean’s mom & dad (and their new house).  While I missed my boys, it did give me some much needed down time.  I was able to spend Thanksgiving at my friend Bre’s house with her family, so that was nice.  And then I actually went out shopping at midnight on Black Friday!  The mall opened at midnight, so my friend Tina and I were there.  Not for anything in particular, but just for experience.  I figure I won’t have the opportunity to do something like that until the boys are in college so why not?  It was a lot of fun and I spent the rest of my alone time getting acquainted with Gossip Girl.  What a lovely guilty pleasure!

And here we are in December, awaiting the arrival of the guy in the Red Suit!  The boys are excited about the tree, and Roy insists that Santa is bringing him Dinosaurs.  Today brought close to 2 feet of snow to our area.  It’s crazy!  The entire area was basically shut down today, but hopefully we’ll start to dig out tomorrow.

The boys are FANTASTIC!  Roy is attending the same preschool he’s been at since last year and he is doing great!  Miss Shelley and Miss Jenn are great teachers, and he is becoming quite the little person!  He is talking up a storm, and he is a such a joy for us.  Roy is also officially potty trained!  I tried to do it in June, but it wasn’t really working so we backed off.  Two weeks later Roy declared that he didn’t want to wear a diaper so we didn’t.  It’s been a bit of a roller coaster, but he’s been a trooper.  And thanks to his favorite buddy at school, Bennett, he’s even doing #1 standing up!  Jack is a maniac!  He started walking in August during our vacation in CT, and he’s never looked back!  He runs around and is now climbing on everything.  Today I found him in the middle of the dining room table!  He is also quite hot-tempered!  He is a very mellow kid, but when he’s mad you know it!  And he gets mad so quick!  While Roy always takes a while to ramp up to a tantrum, Jack goes from “okay” to “completely flipping out” in about 3 seconds!  I keep hoping that things will get a little better when he starts talking more.  It’s got to be frustrating for him, knowing what he wants but not being able to say it, you know?

Jack had his 18-month checkup yesterday and he is growing right on track.  He’s up to 26 lbs and 33 inches.  They are concerned that he may have a heart murmur, but we’re hopeful that it’s just an anomaly.  We’re seeing a cardiologist after the first of the year, so then we’ll know more.  His brother is also getting big – we was 38 lbs and 38 inches at his 3 year check up in October.  They are both doing well and seem to be hitting all the appropriate milestones when they should.  We are truly lucky to have two such wonderful boys!

Wow, this is almost an 1100 word verbal throw up of what happened in the last 10 months.  I’m sure I left stuff out, but it’s a lot of the highlights of our year.  I am going to write more often, I promise!

Or, how did I get so dumb?  So, I’m in the kitchen earlier getting dinner ready to put in the oven (for me and Dean anyway, Roy already ate) and Roy was running around the kitchen “playing football”.  If you’ve seen him do this, you know what I’m talking about.  He runs around with a football and eventually falls down and says “Roy get tackled”.  Well, he was wearing socks without the little nubby sticky things (that’s the technical term) on the bottom so he slipped on the wood floor a couple of times.  I told him that maybe he should go play football in the living room where it’s carpeted so he wouldn’t slip.  But my son knew what any smart person would know – if you take your socks off it’s a lot harder to slip on bare feet!  Why didn’t I think of that?  And he continued to play football until I was done in the kitchen.  Now he’s attempting to disassemble Stretch from his Handy Manny toolbox using Phillipe.  If you are over the age of 4 or you don’t have kids, you will have no idea what that last sentence means.

Did I mention he did NOT take a nap again today?  Second time this week.  I’ve got news for him if he thinks he’s dropping his nap.  He still spends time up in his crib, reading books, talking, occasionally throwing things and I’m not ready for him to not have this “quiet time” every day.  And I’m not ready for ME to not have this quiet time every day.

On the other hand, Jack went down around 3:30 today and is still asleep.  I’m envisioning he’ll get up around 9 or 10, eat and go back to sleep.  This is what I’m envisioning.  We’ll see if that actually happens.  He’s either having a growth spurt or he’s getting over the nasal stuffiness he and I have had.  I don’t know how it’s been for him, but I’ve felt fine – just annoyed by the fact that my nose is stuffy.  I’m pretty sure my friend Bre gave me this “cold” - so thank you to her!

Jack and I went to Chuck E. Cheese today for our regular Friday playgroup.  It’s actually Roy’s playgroup, but since he’s in school on MWF now Jack and I go alone.  I get to see my mom friends and Jack gets to see his friends Jane and Piper (future girlfriends/prom dates in my mind).  It was a good time, and no one said a word to me about the Caramel Frappacino that I brought in with me.  I knew I probably shouldn’t, but I seriously needed a Frappacino fix.  Okay, I didn’t need it, but it did make the day much more pleasant for me (and probably for those around me).  Starbucks really should be sued for making addicts out of us all.  Coffee pushers!  There ought to be a law!